Weighing Down

This post has been sitting in my drafts for awhile, it's not even a huge deal, just took me some time to hit publish. It's my first "venting" post. And while I still feel guilty for it because there are so many more important things going on- I also need to remember this is my space to write my thoughts and reach out to the blog world. And maybe one day in the future, I can look back here and be proud of the changes I made. So, here it goes. Weight loss is hard. Now, I don't want to sound too dramatic because I know many people have their ups and down, but this is my worst personal demon. It's also something I don't talk about a lot save for in my Weight Watchers meetings or with a select few friends, one if which who is taking the journey with me. I don't know that I "struggled" with weight when I was younger, I was just kind of oblivious too it. I wasn't the overweight kid in grammar school. I didn't go away to school, but I did work retail and the eating Taco Bell after a night shift caught up with me. Time went on and I started really feeling the effects of my weight mentally. In 2002, I was going through a particularly rough fall quarter in college and weeks before my 21st birthday, I broke down. I was in my then boyfriends driveway and started crying uncontrollably about my weight, the way I looked, the stress of school, everything. After it happened I wanted to brush it off- and to be completely honest, I don't remember a lot of that night. I know that for the next few weeks a lot of people were there to support me and help me and I know that that night was the start of years of beating myself up about my weight. It didn't help that certain members of my family always made not so nice comments about it too. When I turned 21 I was so excited, all but a couple of my friends were older than me, and they were so excited to take me to all the fun places and dance our nights away. I was the biggest in the group, and a lot of times I spent those nights out mentally beating myself up and wondering why I couldn't be pretty and skinny like my girlfriends- silly I know, but it still happened. But there were also times that I didn't think about it at all- and of course I never talked about it. Finally in May of 2007, a friend talked about her joining Weight Watchers and I decided to join with her, and so did another friend. I didn't feel like I was being saved and there was no big "it's about time" epiphany, but I just did it cause why not- her idea was my in.

I saw success with it right away and within a couple months I lost 20 pounds, and 14 months after I started I was 6 pounds away from my goal, having lost 55 pounds. I never felt better about myself. I hate to sound vain in that way, but I finally felt like a "normal, cute" girl. It was wonderful. Somehow, life happened and I started gaining some weight back- which looking back at pictures was ok because I think I was getting a little too skinny. It was still a manageable lifestyle, but it became a little harder for me to maintain, even though for the most part I was still doing good. In June of 2009 I gained 12 pounds back and in August just as I was getting it under control, I fell at the gym (the day before my wedding shower and a month before my wedding), and severely sprained my ankle. I was on crutches and in an air cast and later had months of physical therapy and shots. Needless to say, I couldn't work out for 8 months and coupled with the first year of marriage I gained a lot more weight than I should have. The program was slightly followed but not like it should've been and I didn't work out at all- it didn't occur to me then to continue lifting hand weights and do sit ups. Every time I tried to get back on track, my body didn't respond like the first time where there was more of a shock to my system. The weight came back in different places which was a hard pill to swallow too. The worst part is that I never quit Weight Watchers. Who gains weight while still a member? Today, I'm still struggling. I haven't lost all the weight I gained back and everyday is a constant battle with my mind trying not to be down on myself. My leader tells me it will happen- she quit and gained back all her weight 3 times and has now kept it off for 14 years- but somehow I don't have faith. I feel like I'll be stuck this way forever- mostly because the results aren't showing like before and I don't know why. But I also know I need to do better. And I need to not stress and be kinder to myself. I try to believe that people don't see me for my weight but what I have to offer- wonderful friendship, loyalty, fun and the occasional sarcastic remark. I know this is true, but for me, weight is a big thing. I feel I needed to write this out so I can become more accountable. I know I could use all the support I can get and would also love to support others on their journey. So if anyone knows anyone else taking the weight loss journey who struggle, succeed or anything let me know and we can help each other. Support is invaluable and I know with a few more pushes I can finally get my inner demon under control.