Weighing Down

This post has been sitting in my drafts for awhile, it's not even a huge deal, just took me some time to hit publish. It's my first "venting" post. And while I still feel guilty for it because there are so many more important things going on- I also need to remember this is my space to write my thoughts and reach out to the blog world. And maybe one day in the future, I can look back here and be proud of the changes I made. So, here it goes. Weight loss is hard. Now, I don't want to sound too dramatic because I know many people have their ups and down, but this is my worst personal demon. It's also something I don't talk about a lot save for in my Weight Watchers meetings or with a select few friends, one if which who is taking the journey with me. I don't know that I "struggled" with weight when I was younger, I was just kind of oblivious too it. I wasn't the overweight kid in grammar school. I didn't go away to school, but I did work retail and the eating Taco Bell after a night shift caught up with me. Time went on and I started really feeling the effects of my weight mentally. In 2002, I was going through a particularly rough fall quarter in college and weeks before my 21st birthday, I broke down. I was in my then boyfriends driveway and started crying uncontrollably about my weight, the way I looked, the stress of school, everything. After it happened I wanted to brush it off- and to be completely honest, I don't remember a lot of that night. I know that for the next few weeks a lot of people were there to support me and help me and I know that that night was the start of years of beating myself up about my weight. It didn't help that certain members of my family always made not so nice comments about it too. When I turned 21 I was so excited, all but a couple of my friends were older than me, and they were so excited to take me to all the fun places and dance our nights away. I was the biggest in the group, and a lot of times I spent those nights out mentally beating myself up and wondering why I couldn't be pretty and skinny like my girlfriends- silly I know, but it still happened. But there were also times that I didn't think about it at all- and of course I never talked about it. Finally in May of 2007, a friend talked about her joining Weight Watchers and I decided to join with her, and so did another friend. I didn't feel like I was being saved and there was no big "it's about time" epiphany, but I just did it cause why not- her idea was my in.

I saw success with it right away and within a couple months I lost 20 pounds, and 14 months after I started I was 6 pounds away from my goal, having lost 55 pounds. I never felt better about myself. I hate to sound vain in that way, but I finally felt like a "normal, cute" girl. It was wonderful. Somehow, life happened and I started gaining some weight back- which looking back at pictures was ok because I think I was getting a little too skinny. It was still a manageable lifestyle, but it became a little harder for me to maintain, even though for the most part I was still doing good. In June of 2009 I gained 12 pounds back and in August just as I was getting it under control, I fell at the gym (the day before my wedding shower and a month before my wedding), and severely sprained my ankle. I was on crutches and in an air cast and later had months of physical therapy and shots. Needless to say, I couldn't work out for 8 months and coupled with the first year of marriage I gained a lot more weight than I should have. The program was slightly followed but not like it should've been and I didn't work out at all- it didn't occur to me then to continue lifting hand weights and do sit ups. Every time I tried to get back on track, my body didn't respond like the first time where there was more of a shock to my system. The weight came back in different places which was a hard pill to swallow too. The worst part is that I never quit Weight Watchers. Who gains weight while still a member? Today, I'm still struggling. I haven't lost all the weight I gained back and everyday is a constant battle with my mind trying not to be down on myself. My leader tells me it will happen- she quit and gained back all her weight 3 times and has now kept it off for 14 years- but somehow I don't have faith. I feel like I'll be stuck this way forever- mostly because the results aren't showing like before and I don't know why. But I also know I need to do better. And I need to not stress and be kinder to myself. I try to believe that people don't see me for my weight but what I have to offer- wonderful friendship, loyalty, fun and the occasional sarcastic remark. I know this is true, but for me, weight is a big thing. I feel I needed to write this out so I can become more accountable. I know I could use all the support I can get and would also love to support others on their journey. So if anyone knows anyone else taking the weight loss journey who struggle, succeed or anything let me know and we can help each other. Support is invaluable and I know with a few more pushes I can finally get my inner demon under control.

You Capture

I'm a day late on You Capture this week, but thought it would still be fun to participate. I tried to think outside the box a little for Halloween- we don't have any kids to dress up yet and I spent the day at home waiting for all the trick or treaters. Sadly we didn't get as many as I expected! There's always kids running around all over the neighborhood so I was so excited to get a lot of visitors and was fully prepared with all the good kinds of candy and even a fun bowl from the Target dollar spot. (I LOVE Tar-gey). Now I have a bunch of leftovers and think I've been on a sugar high all week.

I love fun holiday home decor. I never though I'd be into it, but man I can't get enough. My best friends very talented mom makes quilts and decided one year to make placemats. The other side is for Thanksgiving and there is a Christmas set too. I love them.

I suppose with all the traffic the next set isn't really "quiet," but it was for me as I could just get lost in the sunset. Isn't is beautiful?! I turned off my radio and just took it all in amazed. The red tones wrapped around to the sky behind me and then to the left it was just blue. It's amazing what mother nature can do. (I really wish I would've had my regular camera with me- and no worries, I was stopped when I took each picture with my phone. I'm sure the neighboring cars thought I was nuts)

Check out more Halloween and beautiful silence here.

Hall of Fame

My husband and I have a tradition- we go to White Castle on Valentine's Day. I could care less to do something big and fancy on that day- I never really had any use for it. I've always found it hilarious that White Castle advertises to make reservations for dinner there every year. So, for our first one together in 2008, we went there and now it's something we've vowed to do forever. He wanted to have them at our wedding reception for a late night snack, but the hall said we couldn't bring anything in. My brother-in-law, the rule breaker, paid no mind to that and had my niece leave to go get them. Our wish was fulfilled- and they were a HUGE hit.

Who would've thought this would lead him to be inducted into the 2010 White Castle Hall of Fame?! (Also, who knew there was such a thing?!) On a slow day at work sometime after the wedding, he decided to write to them and tell them his/our story. When he was little, he and his late dad used to go fishing and get White Castle and his dad would order extra pickle- he was the only one he knew that ever ordered extra pickle. Until he met me. He immediately thought of his dad and how I must be a good match for him and here we are today. He submitted the story and the picture of us above and he is now one of 13 people being inducted. In two weeks, we'll fly to Ohio for the induction ceremony where we have to dress fancy and he'll have to give an acceptance speech. He's been interviewed on the radio and has been contacted to give more to other stations and newspapers. I can't help but laugh about this whole thing- it's so fun! I love how something so little (but apparently much bigger than I thought) can bring so many memories. I can't wait to tell our future children and grandchildren about their "famous" daddy.

If you're interested, click here for the interview he gave yesterday.